what when where how why WHAT

10 days ago I met someone whom I thought had everything I’m looking for in a romantic partner.

A week ago we had our second date and my belief was only confirmed.

2 days ago he stayed over. We were supposed to meet up today but it’s 7pm and I haven’t heard from him.

No he’s not some dickhead who was just in it for the sex. At least I don’t think so, but what do I know really. In any case that’s not my concern. It’s in fact much worse than that. I seem to repel guys I really like. There has been this pattern where I’d date someone for a while, and they’d all get a cold or something and an epiphany to go with it. The epiphany being they don’t want to date me any more. This time there wasn’t even time for a little sickness. Come on run, as fast as you can, out of crazy person’s iron grasp of relationship horror.

I feel exhausted. I honestly don’t know what is repelling these guys. They’re all really nice guys, decent, kind, sweet, gentle… At the same time, I cannot think of anything that I may have done to inspire such dramatic and swift changes of heart. I’m at a loss.

The heart aches. The mind wanders. There was a moment today I kept saying to myself, lying in bed, “shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!” It just felt like the right thing to say. The situation is completely shit and I feel I have caused it but I don’t know how! How fucking shit is that?

Good thing I’ve only met him three times so this should go away relatively quickly. Good indeed.

extreme happiness

While I was making my lunch today I was thinking about my cousin’s wedding in late August. It touched me deeply, which was surprising as the ceremony was terribly kitch, the bride customarily shy, the guests rowdy and family politics rife. But my cousin deeply touched me. His happiness almost shocked me. He cried more than once and made me on the verge of tears too, so large and encompassing his happiness was. It was clear that he loves his bride very much and that this single moment, this ceremony, this declaration of his love, this public affirmation of their love, is the happiest in his life.

I too can still pinpoint such a moment in my life. I could do it when I was making my sandwiches and I can do it now. My memory is somewhat assisted by a ‘public holiday’ (April Fool’s) but in a single week I met the love of my life and was made permanent in a job I prized. Such abundant, concentrated happiness; it’s intoxicating thinking about it even now. We don’t have these moments often but when we do, they last us a lifetime. The effect of reminiscing can be unpredictable but I’ll also remember those moments as moments of extreme happiness. I hope I will taste them again and my cousin will have his forever.

The Universe and Me

A very wise friend once said of me of having a very strong sense of self. I took it as a compliment, as it was, liked it and have not forgotten about it. I think it’s true too; if nothing else, my self-obsessiveness absolutely requires it. Hence the blog, hence “i am my Muse”, ha ha.

I read somewhere once that the Japanese have a relatively weak sense of self partly because they don’t have an equivalent of the word “I”. Instead, the “I” changes depending on who you’re talking to, who you are (sex, status, class, etc) and where you are. So you’re perpetually considering how your society and peers consider you.

Personally I think that’s bullshit, someone’s just taking linguistics too far. We’ve all been brainwashed by this individualism ism. We throw it around so much that we believe it now. Everyone’s an individual.

Our lives are not that different from each other. Most of us are behaving exactly how the collective expects / shapes us to behave. There are exceptions, but they exist in Japan too.

1. Do you have a job? If not, do you want a job?
2. Are you in love? If not, do you want to be in love? Ever?
3. When was the last time you bought something you didn’t need?
4. Are you saving up for the next thing you don’t need?
5. Do you want to be HAPPY? (unless you’re already HAPPY?)

You get the drift.

Not there’s anything wrong with being a consumer, having a career, chasing your dreams or whatever. But it’s hypocritical to have too much pride in being something one is not.

So whilst I’m formulating all this in my head, my Self tells me that I need to do something different. To give meaning to My Life. To be an Individual. But really I just want a good job, more money and someone to love me.

Can we stop going in circles?

Returned ただいま

お帰り。

Harry is Jesus

This entry contains references to Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.

I just reread the last few chapters in the last Harry Potter book and something dawned on me when I read this:

‘You won’t be killing anyone else tonight,’ said Harry as they circled, and stared into each other’s eyes, green into red. ‘You won’t be able to kill any of them, ever again. Don’t you get it? I was ready to die to stop you hurting these people -’

‘But you did not!’

‘- I meant to, and that’s what did it. I’ve done what my mother did. They’re protected from you…’

This is of course part of the final dialogue between Harry and Lord Voldemort after Harry’s resurrection, after he “didn’t defend [him]self tonight, and still survived, and returned to fight again”.

The parallels between this and the resurrection of Christ are unmistakeable. I found this very very interesting! And once I start to look at the book in this way, the Christian paradigm seems to apply fairly well.

Dumbledore, the father figure, is certainly omniscient and omnipresent. He is just a tiny bit lacking in the omnipotence department though he is still the cleverest, the most powerful and skilled wizard of his time, but the emphasis on his figure as a loving Father is consistent with some strands of Christianity.

Furthermore, just like these strands of Christianity, human goodness rather than human sinfulness is the central doctrine in this book. This human goodness, or Love, as Lord Voldemort speaks of so derisively, is the Holy Spirit that warms you, guides you and what produces a Patronus to protect and shield you. So, there, now we have the Trinity.

“…but I was selfish, Harry, more selfish than you, who are a remarkably selfless person…”